Dude, I Don't Even Know
by caijda
Summary: "A mysterious girl shows up at Ouran as a transfer student. Can the Host Club crack her hard shell and bri-" What the fuck is this bullshit, this is not what is happening. Not even close. (T for heavy swearing)


I have no fucking clue how I got here. I'm currently trapped in a warm cocoon of pink and yellow blankets with a small army of stuffed animals staring down at me like I'm a prisoner. They are fucking adorable, even if I am pretty sure they are 400% evil. I push the blankets and evil animals away as I struggle to sit up and take a look around my surroundings.

I was in the middle of a king size poster bed, the cream colored canopy giving it a distinct cozy, cavelike feel. There was a night stand on my right side and a huge-ass window with a window seat was right beyond it. To the left of the huge-ass window was a huge-ass book shelf stuffed to over flowing with books. In the corner there was a changing screen with flower petals on it, and next to that was a gaping hole that I guessed led to the closet. To the left of that was a potions table (read as vanity) and then there was a door beyond that. Moving counterclockwise, the next corner of the room hosted another door. I'm pretty sure it leads to Narnia. To the left of that, and finally to my left, there is a large desk with organized books and pens laying neatly on the desk. My desk is never that clean. I put my gerbil down on it once, and I found it after his corpse started stinking. Pink and cream stripes adorn the walls. The curtains on the huge ass window were bright yellow that gives the room a cheerful feeling.

The whole thing was hideous. Any room that I enter must be as black as my soul...

Actually, my soul is a dark purple with gold highlights, so I don't know why every room should be black. Maybe aesthetic tastes?

But that's not the point. The point is how the fuck am I here? I tried to think back, but all that was coming up was last night. I smile to myself as I nod. Yeah, last night was pretty fucking rad.

It was just a simple house party between me and my friends. Just like any other house party, you know. Loud noises, drinking, and way too much physical contact. And by loud noises I mean my friends screaming obscenities at each other as they get their asses handed to them in Mario Kart, and by drinking I mean plain Cola, Sprite, and Dr. Pepper, and by way to much physical contact I mean Amy and Sam were cuddling on the far side of the couch while the rest of us gave them wistful glances, praying one day we can get someone who loves us like those two love each other.

So what, I'm a pretty pathetic and nerdy adult (I'm 19 and 3/4) who is still living in my parent's house while I go to the community college on the other side of town. I work a dead end part time job for gas money and the eat fund, which goes from "I have twenty bucks and an empty stomach" to "I have three quarters and a half full stomach" in 0.02 seconds. I spend my weekends with my group of five friends and we usually end up crashing at Jamie's' house with some video game to play or tv show/nerdy movie series to marathon. On my weeknights I avoid homework by eloping on the internet (read as: I blearily stare at my screen while I scroll through tumblr, archiveofourown, and for hours on end), and I get my eight hours of sleep during classes and work.

Nothing was out of the ordinary last night, and I had done nothing different, except maybe drink the Cola instead of Dr. Pepper. Why the fuck did I wake up with evil stuffed animals glaring down at me?

I push myself to crawl out of the trap of plush when I feel fabric tugging on my neck and chest. I look down to see a completely flat chest covered by a white satin shirt. I sit still for a moment, trying to make things connect in my head.

1) Alright, I don't have much, but I at least have boobs. I am 6'1'', and I wear a 42B bra. My shoulders are so broad I could carry a bull and my hips and thighs are so large could crush a man's skull while I knock over the leaning tower of Pisa. But now I don't even have that.

And B) who the fuck wears satin to bed? I shift, trying to get my fat ass off the shirt that is slowly cutting off my air supply. It is then that I realize that I'm not wearing a shirt. I'm wearing a nightgown. One that goes down past my knees. I'm also not wearing any underwear, which makes me question any sanity that I may or may not have had when I crawled into this pink and yellow abomination of a bed and surrounded myself with plush toys that are planing my slow murder.

I push myself again out of the bed, getting up onto my knees this time before I notice a flash of brown out of the corner of my eyes. My fight or flight kicks in and I stop, barely breathing as I wait for whatever to move to go away. After a few seconds, my brains supplies the fact that my hair was moving. I nod to myself. It's a perfectly acceptable to be startled by your own hair, especially when it's five feet longer than you remember.

I suddenly reach up to my hair and I scrunch my hands up into the thick, straight, natural colored hair that is now growing out of my head. Last I remembered I had an undercut with a bright blue top. I try to gnaw on my lip ring, a nervous habit that I developed after I got it two years ago, but all I feel is smooth skin. I frantically search for my left ear under my hair, trying to find the new lobe piercing that I had gotten last week, but all I felt was an unfamiliarly shaped ear with three too few piercings.

I'm in panic mode as I scramble off of the bed and stumble towards the mirror on the potions table. Staring back at me is some petite Asian chick(? I thought I was male? I mean he, or she, or I don't even fucking know) with dark blue eyes and dark brown hair. The right eye covered in bruises, and a line of stitches are the only things disrupting the symmetry in her(his?) face. I'm not going to lie, I screamed like Death the Kid.

I have no idea how long I stared at myself when suddenly I heard the door open and I spun around, my hair doing the really cool umbrella thing. My vision blacks for a moment and I had to grab the chair for support. When I am finally able to take input from my senses, there is a hand steadying me while I breathe heavily.

"Are you okay, Aki-chan?" A girl's voice asks me. The way she says it sounds weird, like she's got an accent that I can't quite place. I blink a few more times as I try to focus on the girl's face. Petite, Asian, dark blue eyes, dark brown hair. I'm trying to remember where I've seen this before. I turn back to the mirror (slower after I almost black out again). My face: petite, Asian, dark blue eyes, dark brown hair. One more glance at the girl, one more glance in the mirror.

I step out of the way and pull the now confused girl to stand besides me, comparing our faces in the mirror. Identical, except my shiner and stitches. And I'm biologically male(?). I turn to the girl.

"Are we twins?" The words come out weird, like I'm stuttering, or mixing up syllables within a sentence. I have wonder if that question was even ineligible when the girl gives me a weird look.

"Yes, Aki-chan." The girl says it slowly, as if I'm a child who might not understand big words. I lean away from her, my face asking her what the fuck is her problem, I'm an adult, thank you. "We're twins. You got hit with a softball yesterday during practice. The doctors said you had a pretty bad concussion, but there was no brain damage in the CT scan. Do you not remember that?" Uh, no. I remember screaming "Motherfucking bitch ass hoe, did you just fucking blue shell me?!" to Amy, but that's about it. My people don't go out into the sunlight. We get all of our necessary vitamins from the LED lights in our computer and phone screens.

"Uh, no. I don't remember that." The words feel weird again, and not just in my mouth. They are leaving an itchy feeling on my inner arms and I absentmindedly rub them before I realize that I shouldn't feel words on my arms. I shouldn't feel words anywhere. I shouldn't feel words. I shake my head slightly before I feel nausea boil up my throat. The other girl grabs me right before my world goes completely black.

* * *

"Aki-chan?" Fuck off. Everything hurts, even the light coming through the huge-ass window. Even rolling over hurts as I try to escape...

Wait, who the fuck is 'Aki-chan'? And who the fuck is trying to wake me up.

I try to peel open an eyelid, and that Asian chick is staring down at me. Oh yeah. I'm an Asian chick(?) now. Oh fuck. What the fuck happened?

Panic is bubbling up inside me, so I do what I do best when I'm panicking. Flirt. Terribly. "Morning, Gorgeous." I seriously don't know how I'm still single. Wait, yeah I do. I don't leave my room.

The Asian chick looks relieved, even if I did just flirt with her. "Don't scare me like that." She leans back onto her heels.

"Whatever you say, hun." I groan as I try to roll into a sitting position, which is not working out too well, let me tell you. Other Asian chick pushes me back down. I look up at her with a 'get off, bitch' look, which she obviously doesn't understand. Alright, lets try it this way. "Darling, I know you want this fab body, but hun, I play hard to get." There is a moment of silence while random Asian chick #1 stares down at me with a disturbed face. Like, seriously, have you never been hit on?

And then I suddenly remember that we are supposed to be siblings, twins even. Oh god, that's fucking hysterical. Twins, one who is overly verbal about wanting a sexual relation with the other, but the other doesn't want it. That could be the plot for an anime. Or a fanfiction.

Ok, why the fuck did that random chill just run down my spine? Eh, probably nothing important.

Anyway, back to Asian chick #1, aka my sister, aka my twin. She's just staring down at me like I've lost my mind. Which, if we think about this logically, I probably have. In her perspective, one day I was the wonderful older/younger/? brother/sister/? who most likely had a completely different personality than this fucktard that she's sitting on, and the next day, viola, I'm trapped in this pink and yellow hell.

Wait, if I'm here, where is the other brother/sister? Are they back where I am from? Did they die? Did I die? What if...

"Aki-chan, what's wrong with you?" Asian chick #1 asks, affectively breaking me out of my thousand mph racetrack mind.

"I'm not Aki-chan." I say quickly. "My name is Ace, and I have no idea how I ended up here." I stare up at the girl who is still laying over me. Asian chick #1 just stares down at me while I end up having to look around the room awkwardly because I don't do eye contact.

I hear Asian chick #1 give a barking laugh. "What are you talking about, Aki-chan?" Hysteria is now lacing her voice. Fucking hell, I don't know how to fucking deal with this. I look up at her face, which is overcast with a gray shadow, almost like an anime. Alright, these chills have got to fucking stop right now.

But really, I have a girl who is probably going to have a panic attack because her sibling told her they wasn't her sibling. So what's the easiest way to fix this? "I'm sorry." I laugh. "I just thought that it would be funny if I pretended that I was someone else." You know this would be much more effective if I actually knew her name. But that is what my great ninja skills will be used for later.

Asian chick #1 (alright this is ridiculous, what the fuck is her name?) laughs again, this time in relief. "Don't scare me like that." And with that, she throws herself at me in a hug and my brain goes back into overdrive. Person is touching me. Person is touching me. Must destroy contact points. Except, you know, it doesn't burn like it normally does. It actually feels kind of nice.

Asian chick #1 sits up with a few tears on her face. "I'll let the maids know your up. Do you want anything to eat." Wait, did she say "maids" as in more than one maid. What are we, a fucking rich family with just a shit ton of money just lying around the fucking place? Next thing I know, I'm going to be enrolled in Ouran Academy. Another shiver runs down my spine.

Oh, no. Oh, fuck no. Oh, Fuck, NO. No. Nope. Nah-uh. No no no no no no. No. Fucking hell, no. Fuck fuck fuck. No. No. NO!

Oh, My God, I got transported in the middle of a fucking anime. No. I will not stand for this. No.

"Aki-chan? Are you doing ok?" Nope, not ok. Abort, abort. Internal screaming set at maximum volume.

"Yeah, I'm fine. My head is just killing me." I try to smile gently up at her, but I can feel the panic in my eyes, which probably makes me look completely insane. Which I am at the moment. How the fuck did I end up in an anime? But what if I'm not actually stuck in an anime, and my brain is just tripping out? I like that option, lets keep it that way. I hear my stomach rumbling and my sister looks down at my stomach.

"Let me get you some food." She says as she crawls off of me. I smile up at her from the middle of the blankets and pillows. She just stares at me, and I guess that she's a bit creeped out. Fuck, I'm creeped out. I'm in a different person's body. In maybe an anime. Whatever.

As soon as Asian chick #1 is gone from the room, I sit up as fast as I can without feeling like I'm going to throw up and I stumble my way to the closet. As I walk in, it lights up on it's own, and I stare at the racks and racks of pink, yellow and lace that take up the entire thing. I almost feel lilke screaming, but I don't. I have a reason for walking deep into this hell. I need to see my school uniform.

After what feels like forty feet, I finally reach the back of the closet. I can see two manikins, fucking manikins, standing there, showing off the male and female counterparts of a school's uniform. The male's is a light blue blazer over a white button up with black slacks. The female's is a yellow dress, beautifully cut with lace. Both are actually 400x better than the anime portrayed them to be.

Yes, I'm in an anime. And apparently I go to Ouran.

* * *

A/N: Alright, new story! Yay! Except people who are waiting for me to update _The Ice Queen and the Monkey, _I'm so sorry! I'm trying! I'm also waiting for my editor to actually look at my work, but she gets really busy in the summer, I'm sorry! But hopefully I will get that up sometime. Eventually. I'm excited where it is going to go:D I'm also excited where this is going to go, because omg, I don't even know what's going to happen. AAAAHHH! Also I have too many projects that I'm working on atm, so if you follow me, I might be posting some of that stuff shortly... Alright, I'm done ranting now, have a good day:D


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